Less than a month until I turn 24. Holy shit. That is ridiculous. Not because I'm going to be turning 24 (after all, 24 is a bullshit age), but because it means less than a month until my epic birthday celebration.
Maybe you've heard about it? A Rooftop Birthday Barbecue Extravaganza on Keavy's roof... the biggest birthday celebration since December 25th, 0 A.D.
And absolutely everyone is getting ready for my birthday. It seems my earlier fear that President Barack Obama was uncertain about attending was totally unfounded. Say what you will about his politics, but that man has style.
Keavy and I spent the weekend getting ready for my birthday too. We decided that a good place to start would be with the barbecue grill we'd need for the party. Rather than just tell you how it all went down, why don't you take a look.
That's right mother fuckers, we bought a grill. And last night I built that grill... and then I filled it with charcoal and lit it on fire and grilled some kielbasa on it. It was the best thing I've ever tasted, and it was slow grilled over hot coals into which I breathed life. If there are barbecue grills in heaven, than I assure you that god (and the late Bea Arthur, rest her soul) has a Weber One Touch too.
The way I see it, if you're one of those assholes that has rsvp'd "Maybe," than the purchase of this grill is reason enough to finally declare your intention of attendance. If for whatever asinine reason you DON'T come to my party, you will never have the opportunity to taste meat grilled on my barbecue grill. Maybe because I'll hold a grudge... or maybe just because I can't say with any certainty that the grill is going to survive that impending raucous event.
And now, time for a FAQ update!
Q: "Present contest"? Is that some kind of joke?
A: Absolutely not. Rather than asking individuals to contribute alcohol or foodstuffs to the party, I decided that it would be way more fun to provide all of that myself and ask for a mere token in return. And what better motivation to get people to actually bring me presents than to make it a contest?
Q: Is the winner of the Present Contest actually going to win anything?
A: There will be a tangible prize for the winner of the Present Contest, yes. The prize will be revealed on this blog in the coming weeks.
Q: What happened to that hilarious September 11th joke you had up in the last post?
A: That joke was insensitive and hurtful, and I apologize sincerely to the families of those affected.
Monday, April 27, 2009
Friday, April 24, 2009
30 Days to 24
Let me paint you a picture... You're walking around, minding your own business, when all of the sudden you hear about a party. My party. My birthday party.
"So what," you think to yourself, "I've been to birthday parties before."
Fuck you, that's a stupid thing to say because you have NEVER been to a party like this. You are lucky to even have the luck to stumble across the blog for my party because this countdown blog alone is going to be more fun than any birthday party you've ever been to. You think that's hyperbole? Shut up, you don't even know what hyperbole means. Read some books.
Maybe I'm being unfair. At first I was a lot like you. I thought, "Well, it's my 24th birthday, I guess I should throw a party." And so I started to plan a party, totally unsuspecting... and that's when it happened. I planned the party and HOLY SHIT it is going to be mind blowing. I am not exaggerating when I say I am afraid the party might tear a hole in time and space because of how awesome it is going to be.
Because of rampant rumors and speculation regarding my birthday party, I decided to put together a list of Frequently Asked Questions:
Q: Is your birthday party going to be inside an apartment or something stupid like that?
A: No, it's going to be on a fucking roof.
Q: What if it rains?
A: It's not going to rain.
Q: Is May 24th your real birthday, or just the date of the party?
A: My real birthday is the following day, May 25th. That's why the fireworks display is scheduled for midnight... to ring in my 24th year. There has been some confusion as to whether my birthday or Memorial Day (a holiday which this year shares the date) is more important, and I think that's stupid because obviously my birthday is.
Q: I heard president Obama was going to the party.
A: That's not a question. If you ended it with, "Is that true?" than it would be a question retard. Also, he hasn't rsvp'd yet, but I'll update this when he does.
Q: Aren't you afraid that being rude to your potential guests is going to affect the turnout?
A: Nope.
Sunday
May 24th
2009
"So what," you think to yourself, "I've been to birthday parties before."
Fuck you, that's a stupid thing to say because you have NEVER been to a party like this. You are lucky to even have the luck to stumble across the blog for my party because this countdown blog alone is going to be more fun than any birthday party you've ever been to. You think that's hyperbole? Shut up, you don't even know what hyperbole means. Read some books.
Maybe I'm being unfair. At first I was a lot like you. I thought, "Well, it's my 24th birthday, I guess I should throw a party." And so I started to plan a party, totally unsuspecting... and that's when it happened. I planned the party and HOLY SHIT it is going to be mind blowing. I am not exaggerating when I say I am afraid the party might tear a hole in time and space because of how awesome it is going to be.
Because of rampant rumors and speculation regarding my birthday party, I decided to put together a list of Frequently Asked Questions:
Q: Is your birthday party going to be inside an apartment or something stupid like that?
A: No, it's going to be on a fucking roof.
Q: What if it rains?
A: It's not going to rain.
Q: Is May 24th your real birthday, or just the date of the party?
A: My real birthday is the following day, May 25th. That's why the fireworks display is scheduled for midnight... to ring in my 24th year. There has been some confusion as to whether my birthday or Memorial Day (a holiday which this year shares the date) is more important, and I think that's stupid because obviously my birthday is.
Q: I heard president Obama was going to the party.
A: That's not a question. If you ended it with, "Is that true?" than it would be a question retard. Also, he hasn't rsvp'd yet, but I'll update this when he does.
Q: Aren't you afraid that being rude to your potential guests is going to affect the turnout?
A: Nope.
Sunday
May 24th
2009
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